The NEW Male Code of Ethics
1. Under no circumstances may you watch brokeback mountain.
2. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.
4. When you are queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.
5. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
6. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call B.S. (Exception: When trying to pick up a woman, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent.)
7. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever.
8. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's running late is five minutes. For a woman, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.
9. Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddy's refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.
10. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a friend's birthday is strictly optional.
11. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up together, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.
12. Before dating a buddy's ex, you are required to ask his permission and he, in return, is required to grant it.
13. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.
14. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem --- you didn't see nothin'.
15. The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.
16. A man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend's cat.
17. Your girlfriend must bond with your buddy's girlfriends within 30 minutes of meeting them. You are not required to make nice with her gal pal's significant others --- low-level sports bonding is all the law requires.
18. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
19. When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiny friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you'll be able to warn your buddy and give him time prepare excuses about joining the priesthood.
20. It is permissible to consume a fruity drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach...and it's delivered by a topless supermodel...and it's free.
21. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
22 A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
23. If a buddy is outnumbered, outmanned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin'." Then you may sit back and enjoy.
24. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.
25. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be referring to his beer.
26. Never talk to a man in the bathroom.
27. If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not join him.
28. Before allowing a drunken friend to cheat on his girl, you must attempt one intervention. If he is able to get on his feet, look you in the eye, and deliver a "leave me alone!" you are absolved of your responsibility.
29. Never join your girlfriend or wife in ragging on a buddy of yours, unless she is withholding sex, pending your response.
30. Phrases that may never be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
* "Yeah, baby, push it!"
* "Come on, give me one more, harder!"
* "Another set and we can hit the showers"
* "Nice ass! Are you a Sagittarius?"
31. Never talk to another man in the bathroom caveat: Unless you are on equal footing and both waiting in line. For all other situations an "I recognize you" nod will do just fine.
32. You can not rat out a friend who show's up to work or class with a massive hangover, however you may: hide the aspirin, smear his chair with limburger cheese, turn the brightness on his computer way up so he thinks its broken, or have him paged every seven minutes.
33. If you catch your girl messing around with your best friend, let your states crime of passion laws be your guide.
34. If your buddy is trying to hook up with a girl, you may sabotage him only in a manor that gives you no chances of getting any either.
35. If a buddy has lint, an eyelash, or any other foreign object on his hair or face, under no circumstances are you permitted to remove it. However an appropriate hand gesture may be made to make him aware of it.
36. An anniversary is recognized on a yearly basis, under no circumstances will anything be celebrated in an interval other than a year
37. When coming to a room which you know is occupied by your friend and possibly another girl, you must knock and wait for an adequate response. If no response occurs, and the door is locked, a 10 minute period is required before knocking again.
38. A man’s gotta scratch what a man’s gotta scratch. This applies to picking as well. Let the man be.
39. No man shall ever watch any of the following programs on TV:
* Figure skating
* Men's gymnastics
* Any sport involving women (unless viewed for sexual purposes)
40. If you accidentally touch or brush against any part of another man below the waist, it is an understood accident, and NO apologies or any reference to the occurrence is necessary. Ever!
41. No man shall spend more than 2 minutes in front of a mirror. If more time is required, a three minute waiting period must be allowed before returning to the mirror.
42. Any dispute lasting any longer than 3 minutes will and must be settled by rock, paper, scissors. There is no argument too important for this determining method.
43. Only acceptable times when a man is allowed to cry:
* When a heroic dog dies to save his master.
* After being struck in the testicles with anything moving fast than 7 mph.
* When your date is using her teeth.
44. If a bet is made, and the challenge is completed, then the bettor may recoup his money by immediately completing a more daring challenge. If he refuses the challenge or chooses not to propose one, then and only then, must the money be paid.
45. If a hot girl shall happen to pass by while you are in an arms reach of your buddy, you must, and will, tap him on the shoulder to make him aware of the babe.
46. No comment shall ever be made to a man about how much he is sweating. In fact, there is no need bring notice to any body part which he may be sweating from.
47. You have not made any mistake if you find that there are extra pieces after reassembling or assembling an object. In fact, you have just found a way to make that object more efficient.
48. Any object thrown with reasonable speed and accuracy, MUST be caught.
49. No man shall ever keep track of, or count, the amount of beers he has had in a night.
50. Under no circumstances may two non-related men share a bed or anything which can be perceived as a mattress.
51. In an empty room, car, ect., a man can not ask another man if he is mad because he isn’t talking.
52. If you jiggle more than twice, you’re playing with it.
53. A man shall never help another man apply sun tan oil.
54. The guy who wants something the most is responsible for getting it.
55. If your friend says "Lick my nuts" or "Kiss my ass" as a way to put you down, don't try to be funny by saying "OK" and moving your head towards his crotch, two homosexual references in a row are just plain scary...
56. If you say ouch, you are a wimp!